14 Ways to know if you’re Broken

1. You realize that you can feel all the emotional statuses appearing on your Facebook feed.
2. You realize you can zone out for extended periods without any recollection of what you did, how you got to somewhere, why were doing something, et cetera.
3. You have compulsive behavior over things you know don’t make a difference to the issue.
4. You need to control the verge of tearing the minute you are alone. e.g. In the washroom’s cubicle.
5. You have to fight back tearing at your colleague’s personal life sharing.
6. You can tremble your lips within 10 seconds, well your eyes within 20, and switch from all smiles to a face full of tears within 30.
7. You cry uncontrollably to Wedding proposal videos on YouTube.
8. You cry to memories half a year old.
9. You cry to imaginary scenarios you create.
10. You cry to anything and everything remotely touching.
11. You cry during Worship sessions at church.
12. You cry without realizing that you are.
13. You tell everyone that you’re alright but you know deep down that you are capable of swinging back to the lowest point at the snap of a finger.
14. You managed to say yes to all the above within the last 2 weeks.

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Thinking of You

“In-between those hustles in Life, I sometimes afford a snap of idle rumination, where things around me would slow, gradually, to a crawl, and just before anchoring to that irreversible still, I see. I see clearly what has passed, as if it were flashing in front of the now moored inactivity. Not I one who perfect-bethinks of my battered past, but more of an inability to remove myself from my aggrieved. When only in such allayed mood would I lose control and regret that breather of initially. What have I done or did not possibly? That time actually kills me, ironically, muffled from its chase, however impossible by this inasmuch logic. It is in such that while quietly wasting away, I think of you. That my disconnecting moments, they belong to you. And I realize, not least bewildered, that it is all I do these days. Then I wait. I wait for time to flinch again.”
~ © Esmond Ng 22/12/11

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Your Promise

“Your Promise” by Esmond Ng © copyright 30/08/05

Your promise to me, I cling on dearly;
Like a babe’s insecurity away from His mother’s embracing peace.
Your promise to me, I wish realized daily;
That each second passes, I die more so gradually.

In song, quando when Thee be mine?
Quando tornerete? My moments a day, my days truly a lifetime.
For in song seems improbable this relation be,
But in Life this be my soul song that sings.

When He simile’d that each thought of Thee a flower be,
That He then a garden could have beautiful and big.
I tell Thee this: “That my garden no smaller than His,”
“That my garden gardened duly due to Thee.”

I thinks’t not any little less of my baby,
Not today, these days or what tomorrow be.
That added frownings I want not for Thee,
Thus back to my secret garden I wait admirably;
My garden kept watered by your promise to me.

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How have you been?

“How have you been?” by Esmond Ng 16/06/05 © copyright

Not sure if realize Thee, it’s been almost three full moons since last;
That I’ve seen those windows in eyes so lovely.
Last couple of days, can’t help me but thinks’t;
Of you and how Life has treated Thee.

I don’t have much ways to convey, to express.
But only through these words I message my thoughts that hoping you’d read.
That I’m still around wishing best everything for someone special to me.
That till this day, Thou art still amazing vividly.

Though short this period be, to me eternity time so seems.
Many things changed have may, from lodging to even studies.
Simple things these like, I have no benefit of sharing.
And simply no means of even knowing.

For no news is often said of as good news,
Thus I trust that Thee be well doing.
Sincerely I hope it be of this conjured case,
For if otherwise I’d be truly sad; hurting.

Pray I do still, that for you everything smooth sailing.
Many times, for my miracle that you’d call me so occasionally.
Most importantly however I need,
Thee be in happy bliss.

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Paint my memories

“Paint my memories” by Esmond Ng © copyright 25/05/05

I know Sorry is a word redundant,
When you have set out to eradicate me.
I know my explanations mean nothing,
For a verdict like a judge did pass me.

The reason for end is not as important as the ending,
This finale is not at all beautiful like stories seem.
But it may be best this way an end to all these,
For I realize myself too that anything to you I can’t promise.

I did enjoy your company, I really did.
Everything a memory I would still want to cherish.
Never did intend to use thee lik’d thee had deem’d me,
But it’s really not crucial the reasoning already.

For know myself more through knowing thee,
That in my heart someone else is still within me.
“Paint my memories” she did really,
A painting with varnish and medium to last for centuries.

Lest it be less use to say it,
It be best still the word to put it.
Thou do deserve someone better, someone that can give;
Sorry, that for you one is not me.

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I knew I Loved you

“I knew I Loved you before I met you” by Esmond Ng 04/05/05 © copyright

Never understood why songs said of Loving before finding.
Till thy perfection grac’d my all so abysmal Life.
Realize’d then that songs may somewhat be speaking of you.

What really means the lyrics my interpretations be,
That I’ve Loved everything which you possess and represent.
Thus so it seems that all this search while, is really for you.

In that way, I‘ve actually Loved before finding.
Cherish’d before knowing, and found before finding.
For everything you are,
Is image of what I’ve long’d for past decade still.

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