My Pseudo Lover

“My Pseudo Lover” by Esmond Ng 30/08/12 © Copyright

We met, the unlikeliest of places in,
Over periwinkles and happily ever-afters.
You laughed initially, at the girl of dreams my,
But soon you saw, what really meant I.

We coupled, our fixations shared,
Remote and absurd but our inhibitions bared.
You suggested we chat and did we,
A bee to flower it soon daily be.

We dreamt of each other funny,
For never met had we.
And we heard each other’s soul acutely,
Though our voices, too had not we.

I became your morning addiction,
And you, I didn’t make known, became mine.
I wrote you poems and messages sweet,
Some that made you tingled, multiply.

We made Love, cuddled and caressed,
Through our thoughts and words unclad.
We made Love on our minds’ ends,
The longings we couldn’t repress.

I had thought we should have next stepped,
I had thought we both were ready.
But guesses me over Sunday no not maybe,
That sure, my Pseudo Lover isn’t yet she.

Now she distanced seems,
My fault, I keep blaming me.
Why the haste so,
Why stupidly did I do, what did me.

She dilemmas over us,
And rightly so should she.
As in her mind reruns our memories,
So I too, her pinky promises to me.

Rereading our writings umpteenly,
Unknowingly attached have become me.
And all this while I tried to steal pieces of your heart,
You had already taken mine completely.

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God’s Miracles

I grew up in a Christian family and did all the things other Christian kids did. Going to sunday school, joining youth fellowships and trusting God as my Lord and Saviour. Although I was “born” into a Christian family, I genuinely knew for myself that God was real in my life. I ended up getting very involved in the youth worships; playing the guitar and occasionally leading it. Everything seemed to be heading in the right direction. God blessed me tremendously. I did very well in school; getting scholarships, book prizes and the lot. I never had any major catastrophes to deal with. So basically life was all good.

Well in any story, there has got be some twist and turns right? At some point in time my “perfect” family started to crumble. Sparing the details, my sheltered existence took one of the biggest downturns I had ever been accosted with. I started to blame God for everything bad that happened even though I knew he had an infallible plan for us all. Despite that, blaming someone else was always the easiest option. I simply chose to not see his faithfulness carrying me through.

I wanted more than just contend to know that God was there. Becoming defiant, I conveniently turned my back to him. I wanted my own “Miracle” to prove that God still loved me. I would often say: “If you are omnipotent and all knowing, show me a sign. Show me that you are real to me.”

From then on, things got really bad. I dropped out of church and indulged in almost everything unholy and corrupt. To be honest, I haven’t really fully recovered until this day. Although I knew deep down that God was always watching me and keeping me safe, I elected to ignore all the little rainbows he sent to me. So there I was, continuing with my new-found “freedom” and uninhibited lifestyle.

I guess everything has a threshold. As a balloon can only stretch that much, a person can only tolerate so much pain. My breakdown point was really Jero. (in a few posts prior) He is such a darling to me that I really didn’t have the strength to envisage the possibility of loosing him so soon. In desperation, I could only think of God to turn to. He was the only One that I could really confide in and pour everything that hurt me all these years. In all candor, it felt really good. It felt like all the weight that had burdened me all this time was suddenly lifted.

All this desolate while, my oasis was right in front of me. I had just blatantly brushed it off as a mirage; turning a blind eye to it. I had my “Miracle” all along. It just took Jero to show it to me.

No, the miracle wasn’t Jero’s recovery. It is God’s steadfast love and endless mercy for me. It is God’s undying affection for a wayward child like me. He is the alpha and the omega that I just didn’t want to see. He did not promise life to be a bed of roses. But he did promise that he’ll be there to carry us all through. Amen.

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Your Promise

“Your Promise” by Esmond Ng © copyright 30/08/05

Your promise to me, I cling on dearly;
Like a babe’s insecurity away from His mother’s embracing peace.
Your promise to me, I wish realized daily;
That each second passes, I die more so gradually.

In song, quando when Thee be mine?
Quando tornerete? My moments a day, my days truly a lifetime.
For in song seems improbable this relation be,
But in Life this be my soul song that sings.

When He simile’d that each thought of Thee a flower be,
That He then a garden could have beautiful and big.
I tell Thee this: “That my garden no smaller than His,”
“That my garden gardened duly due to Thee.”

I thinks’t not any little less of my baby,
Not today, these days or what tomorrow be.
That added frownings I want not for Thee,
Thus back to my secret garden I wait admirably;
My garden kept watered by your promise to me.

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Fireworks

“Fireworks” by Esmond Ng © copyright 09/08/05

I’m sorry my promise I couldn’t see with Thee,
The symphony of Fireworks that Thee so wanted so fancied.
Owing to circumstances I know both we can’t foresee,
I truly wanted it to be ours; our uniquely memory.

But Thee so chose to give to another this our memory,
That He may not even appreciate; just to entertain not genuinely.
Though with elseone Thee had viewed the colorings momentarily,
I wonder who be on Thy mind when Thee beheld the spectacle see?

My glimpse from afar though same as Thee’s,
My head under the same lit sky night really far away be.
I don’t know, I wonder what really;
But my foolish thinking that on Thee’s mind be me.

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Paint my memories

“Paint my memories” by Esmond Ng © copyright 25/05/05

I know Sorry is a word redundant,
When you have set out to eradicate me.
I know my explanations mean nothing,
For a verdict like a judge did pass me.

The reason for end is not as important as the ending,
This finale is not at all beautiful like stories seem.
But it may be best this way an end to all these,
For I realize myself too that anything to you I can’t promise.

I did enjoy your company, I really did.
Everything a memory I would still want to cherish.
Never did intend to use thee lik’d thee had deem’d me,
But it’s really not crucial the reasoning already.

For know myself more through knowing thee,
That in my heart someone else is still within me.
“Paint my memories” she did really,
A painting with varnish and medium to last for centuries.

Lest it be less use to say it,
It be best still the word to put it.
Thou do deserve someone better, someone that can give;
Sorry, that for you one is not me.

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