esmondng on January 29th, 2012
(07 Feb 2006 – 29 Jan 2010)
Birth from pain, peace.
Stricken with hurt, relief.
Springs of disarray, order now.
Away torments, new hopes bring.
Love from us, to her unreservedly, remembering.
esmondng on December 1st, 2011
(07 Feb 2006 – 29 Jan 2010)
The memories you left, created treasures more King,
The pain we embrace, we rejoice for meaning we did.
Our tears, they bridge a stairway for us to reach,
Your wings around us surely, when hear we rustle of winds.
esmondng on October 23rd, 2011
It breaks yet it mends.
It distresses while it soothes.
It evokes pain but dishes comfort.
It I love to hate and hate to love.
esmondng on October 9th, 2011
They say Lovers’ hearts are connected,
Do you concur with they?
That one would feel the other’s pain,
Do you are you the same?
For this now shattering falling apart each worse than the last,
With every new day’s curse exponentially crushed.
Ceteris paribus but yet the air I feel thinning,
And how my breathing’s choking my own breathing.
In my silent screams I jerk sometimes looking up to see,
Nothing but what blur a person drowning might glimpse.
Beneath the salty sea of tears my head would downwards quiver,
Forms but another sea of which for me to go under.
I look into the mirror but all is your face in it,
And it hurts for me to see you in such manner.
But it’s my own crinkled lips and clatter of teeth that’s here,
My convulsions you go through too I wonder?
I love you and you said,
Each time I said you’d miss a beat.
How can something so right be so wrong,
That you’ll bear for me to give away?
You have on my chest rested and heard,
That it beats for you too surely.
And in my embrace you have felt,
The world of you in me.
How am I supposed to live without you,
When you take the reason my heart beats away?
How am I supposed to live,
If my world would cease without you to exist?
This whole ballad was written drenched,
And I can hardly see what was penned.
But every word was coughed out,
Amidst the breaths I tried to catch.
There is hardly any more beautiful,
Than waves that return.
To kiss the very shore it loves,
After each it’s sent away.
I know that at times things may beyond me be,
And none I can do but wish you smiles and better than me.
But if we are as magically linked as we both agreed,
My Queen, surely you can feel this.
Surely you can feel this.
esmondng on March 2nd, 2011
When you left,
All you did was say why.
Of what you can’t give,
And how the uphill justifies.
When you left,
All you did was pack, go.
With each memory you bagged,
You baggage’d some of mine also.
When you left,
All you did was take chunks of me.
You carried on with such ease,
Away along such that I incomplete,
I hurt, and I in pain,
Did not why you not ask instead?
Of how it till day this aches,
My Heart in parts did you take.
Why when you left,
All you did was leave?
Did not you know I would skip beats?
For bits of me you foreign’d abroad;
There I be, you I long.
esmondng on March 11th, 2009
Miraculous it may seem,
Fate works its ways in us beings.
For never did I imagine could be,
What I seek’d in front of me.
Once I hanker’d and once I did receive,
Paints of memories and etch’d it did.
An innocent Romeo & Juliet story,
Coincidences in most everything.
Like the end of tragic Love stories,
Too ours perhaps guileless and naïve.
But these flowers its’ scent can’t be erased,
Even long after they’re gone we had our Time in some place.
esmondng on July 29th, 2008
I grew up in a Christian family and did all the things other Christian kids did. Going to sunday school, joining youth fellowships and trusting God as my Lord and Saviour. Although I was “born” into a Christian family, I genuinely knew for myself that God was real in my life. I ended up getting very involved in the youth worships; playing the guitar and occasionally leading it. Everything seemed to be heading in the right direction. God blessed me tremendously. I did very well in school; getting scholarships, book prizes and the lot. I never had any major catastrophes to deal with. So basically life was all good.
Well in any story, there has got be some twist and turns right? At some point in time my “perfect” family started to crumble. Sparing the details, my sheltered existence took one of the biggest downturns I had ever been accosted with. I started to blame God for everything bad that happened even though I knew he had an infallible plan for us all. Despite that, blaming someone else was always the easiest option. I simply chose to not see his faithfulness carrying me through.
I wanted more than just contend to know that God was there. Becoming defiant, I conveniently turned my back to him. I wanted my own “Miracle” to prove that God still loved me. I would often say: “If you are omnipotent and all knowing, show me a sign. Show me that you are real to me.”
From then on, things got really bad. I dropped out of church and indulged in almost everything unholy and corrupt. To be honest, I haven’t really fully recovered until this day. Although I knew deep down that God was always watching me and keeping me safe, I elected to ignore all the little rainbows he sent to me. So there I was, continuing with my new-found “freedom” and uninhibited lifestyle.
I guess everything has a threshold. As a balloon can only stretch that much, a person can only tolerate so much pain. My breakdown point was really Jero. (in a few posts prior) He is such a darling to me that I really didn’t have the strength to envisage the possibility of loosing him so soon. In desperation, I could only think of God to turn to. He was the only One that I could really confide in and pour everything that hurt me all these years. In all candor, it felt really good. It felt like all the weight that had burdened me all this time was suddenly lifted.
All this desolate while, my oasis was right in front of me. I had just blatantly brushed it off as a mirage; turning a blind eye to it. I had my “Miracle” all along. It just took Jero to show it to me.
No, the miracle wasn’t Jero’s recovery. It is God’s steadfast love and endless mercy for me. It is God’s undying affection for a wayward child like me. He is the alpha and the omega that I just didn’t want to see. He did not promise life to be a bed of roses. But he did promise that he’ll be there to carry us all through. Amen.
esmondng on July 22nd, 2008
When ye skies full grey,
Think your days shadow’d dismay.
Blurr’d sorrow will not let see,
Your eyes to heaven’s sun rays.
For hidden they be,
Behind cloudy bearings they’ll surface.
Of light, of hope, and do await;
The sky is never gloom stays.
If pours from it Love as tempestuous,
Like tears from which stream Thy face.
If not for such solemn toilsome winds,
Would Thou see the betters of they?
May rainbows much exceedingly,
Sought itself to please to surface.
After the sheets of brief, grief rain,
Betters after each every pain.
esmondng on July 22nd, 2008
After all, this was where I first saw you in white angelic.
The place I picked you up from for our first date.
The place I thought I would see the sweetest thing to my eyes each every day.
The place which stayed the one who took my last true love breath away.
At this place I hold much lovely memories but also pain.
That I would hurt someone and disappoint her till this day.
At this place, never the same it will be.
At this place, they soon will tear down; cease to exist.
But at this place, though no longer soon be;
Will stay the same in heart and mind; like you be to me.
For I to you, believe you still say the same;
That you be a holder of past “begone” memories.
esmondng on July 22nd, 2008
Poor thing. (Image used with owner's permission)
“From my eyes” by Esmond Ng © copyright 14/11/05
From my eyes,
Bustling profuse on streets.
Yet no one turns twice to see,
The agony I terrible be.
Stricken; injured leg I laid,
By the bin eyes so wretchedly.
None to hear my mewls aid,
None to helplessness I can relate.
From my eyes,
All caught up in own busy day.
How so no one to avail my pain?
Seems compassion yesteryear a trait.
For I am exposed feeble,
Without human speech and expression.
Without which I am prostrated,
To Death a certitude fate.
Although stray my parentage,
I am living and with filled feelings.
I am just a little kitten impoverished by strain,
Just a kitty, please on me have pity.
esmondng on July 22nd, 2008
Seemingly beyond consolation you lay,
In your tears hidden by the feigning smile you display.
But bystanders they truly see in Thy angelic grace,
That your rainbow will come soon; hold on to your faith.
Thou art remain strong I pray,
The disconsolate Angel in all so beauty’s allure.
If so really Thou’s soul did die when he went away,
How so the world stays in awe when my eyes set on your face?
For not all will appreciate an Angel image,
Just like an unbeliever to a miracle’s envisage.
Wrong he did to you; you so unfairly perceived,
However wrong then you, because he be the one on losing’s receive.
Sometimes Love not work our way,
It’s been so since man can relate.
Not at all smooth our experiences vouch this journey,
But after each means we are closer to our fairy dreamings.
With every heart-felt pain we take away,
Lessons learned, all of which valuable to assist.
After storms, we then know better what future brings,
And what to avoid when rainbow’s gold at end we see.
esmondng on July 22nd, 2008
My friend, siLLyeGG wrote the following:
“She” © 17/08/05
She may be the onli one I ever need
Except that she is now wif another kidz
Loving her secretly was not that sweet
In my mind I have feel the heat
Not knowing of what she may thinks
Alone I stay and continue my dream…
-eGG-
No offense but in some way, we share the same dream. In response:
“Having the same dream” by Esmond Ng © copyright 19/08/05
My dream from awaken from slumber sweet,
Yet it be like still in drowse this romantic reverie.
She may be another’s only and ever need;
Else that, however her heart already with me.
Lest I be just some other simpleton kid,
I believe it be more than child’s play that me she fancies.
Not at all secret that Thou’s Love for her scorned in heat,
Agree I, that loving her is no easy feat.
Again reality painfully bites when arisen from sleep,
Not alone you, I too find solace so comforting in dreams.
Deem us Shakespeare’s blinding fools we both be,
Men in Love never really could objectively see.
Else why would He say: “…so is all nature in love mortal in folly.”
esmondng on July 22nd, 2008
Is there such a thing as being cold? You might say: “Of course! My air-conditioner works like a refrigerator!” Well, the truth is that there really isn’t such a thing as “cold”. We can have heat, a lot of it, or sometimes very little of it. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat at all. However, we cannot go any lower than that. There simply doesn’t exist something called “cold”. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy and measurable but cold is not the opposite of heat! “Cold” is a word we made up to describe the lack of heat.
Then is there something called “darkness”? We assume we see it every single night. The truth is…there isn’t! We can have little light, a lot of light, bright light or even flashing light. Darkness isn’t the opposite of light, it’s just the lack or absence of it. If there is such a thing called “darkness”, wouldn’t we be able to make it darker?
Similarly, we don’t have “death”. Death doesn’t exist as a substantial thing. It’s also not the opposite of life. Death is just the absence of life.
I was talking to a dear friend two nights back. She was saying that she can’t and/or doesn’t feel pain anymore. Immune, you might think? What did I say? “It’s not that you don’t feel pain, you just forgot how happiness and joy felt like.” My reasoning?
“Pain is not the opposite of Happiness. It’s the absence of it.” ~ © Esmond Ng 13/09/05
esmondng on July 22nd, 2008
Many times I’ve come and disappointed left.
Many tries for familiar sights to find; refresh.
Yet they seem to elude me with each and every visit,
By the bay, which for me have come to like.
Like may be too light a word used,
Heavy, it should be love the place I do.
Memories I hold dear survive at this bay,
And new paintings, pictures see I each stay.
Today must lucky have been my day,
Wait’d and our Eagle appear’d in soaring height.
Like Cupid’s arrow that dart’d across ye clear blue sky,
So too it was there, that His arrow shot me;
Making me Love’s blind.
That must have been all you’d say.
Elated I be this very day.
However just when all couldn’t be more bright,
Out came a little Eagle chasing His mother’s flight.
Oh how much glee they brought to me,
This day I regret not, myself by this sea.
For I know sometimes Thee doeth the same as me,
Try perhaps too, spot them and thinks’t of me.
esmondng on July 22nd, 2008
I know Sorry is a word redundant,
When you have set out to eradicate me.
I know my explanations mean nothing,
For a verdict like a judge did pass me.
The reason for end is not as important as the ending,
This finale is not at all beautiful like stories seem.
But it may be best this way an end to all these,
For I realize myself too that anything to you I can’t promise.
I did enjoy your company, I really did.
Everything a memory I would still want to cherish.
Never did intend to use thee lik’d thee had deem’d me,
But it’s really not crucial the reasoning already.
For know myself more through knowing thee,
That in my heart someone else is still within me.
“Paint my memories” she did really,
A painting with varnish and medium to last for centuries.
Lest it be less use to say it,
It be best still the word to put it.
Thou do deserve someone better, someone that can give;
Sorry, that for you one is not me.
esmondng on July 22nd, 2008
I have a diary.
Which I write of things I can’t express here.
My inner most thoughts and feelings I unreservedly explicit.
Of which many are glum and melancholy.
I have a diary.
It be where my solace is.
For no other can relate to me; the way it can, truly.
Experiences, my journal; my life story.
If Heaven so decree and unkind be,
Let me make my final entry.
Then let the world be made known,
That this be my best work yet.
For the essence of my diary,
Is really what my Life means.
That no word in existence more appropriate,
Describe what Pain be.
So is this end of road for me?
If so really, pray do read my diary.
esmondng on July 22nd, 2008
These are some negative quotes I plucked off the net. Best read and forgotten. Warning: They are not meant to be inspirational or taken seriously!
“Those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” — George Santayana
“The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train.” — unknown
“That’s the remarkable thing about life. No matter how bad it gets it can always get worse.” -Calvin
“Just when you think you’ve finally hit bottom, someone tosses you a shovel.” — unknown
“People will believe anything if you whisper it.” — unknown
“If everything seems to be going well, you obviously don’t know what the hell is going on.” — Murphy’s Laws
“When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.” — unknown
“When things are perfect, that’s when you need to worry most.” — Drew Barrymore
“Today is the tommorow you dreaded yesterday.” — unknown
“Nobody’s pain hurts worse than your own.” — ‘Munky’ James Schaffer
“Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.” — unknown
“Every one is guilty of all the good they didn’t do.” — Voltaire
“We tell you over and over again how wonderful and special you are and you just don’t get it! What’s wrong with you?!?” — Helen Morgandorfer ‘Daria’
“I’m not in denial. I’m just selective about the reality i choose to accept” -Calvin and Hobbes
“The hardest battle you’re ever going to fight is the battle just to be you.” — unknown
“Don’t ever slam a door. You might want to go back.” — unknown
esmondng on July 22nd, 2008
Away on slopes of different air,
Where ye painting on wall is really nature’s own;
Mountains line the pearly clouds,
That’s where my tea leaves grows’t.
The green that edges ye horizon,
The vast color of which serene grown;
Yet with each harvest that comes along,
Only the top leaves nonpareil.
Grey be by name my favorite tea,
Though woody and spicy it’s taste be;
Equivalent I say, it be Shiraz of tea,
But pleasure to palate it surely brings to Thee.
Like all good things Life which brings,
Thou needs really look beyond to see.
Appreciating the simple and ordinary,
Then and only pick the top few leaves.
Along midway sometimes grey it all seems,
Everything so looks going agains’t Thee.
Did I mention no rose beds amongs’t the leaves?
Hold on tight and God’s peace keep.
Even the best are cropp’d and trimm’d,
But like tea leaves they never cease;
Seasons, grows’t and flourishes once again.
So really, should Thee.
esmondng on July 22nd, 2008
Life was never meant roses lining the way
Nor it be shelter from storms and winds strong
If it truly be of other case
Then never will thee see wars that cometh strife and pain’st
God, my father whom doeth incredible things
Not see do we his fathomed plans which play
Meant not what rain is to us, but is to trees on the plain
Sometimes really Fate not work our way
Cry you, “Please be like yesterday”
“Pray no”, I say to thee as no such thing
As rainbows grace the blue after the grey as you’d think’st
So too, look forward to the after where there is not yet pain
If Achievement came before Failure as in dictionaries’ say
Man would know never how success came
Memories honestly mean the past now sunk’st
Why bore over then relish the already won
Phyllis which is green bough to the Greeks
Signifies Life from you which brim
Never did leaves cease growing should they be trimm’d
Ask, why then should thee not flourish again.
esmondng on July 22nd, 2008
Was reading a blog I randomly entered. This gal wrote something which got me really thinking.
the irony of love
The greatest irony of love;
loving the right person at the wrong time,
having the wrong person when the time is right
and finding out you love someone right after
that person walks out of your life…and sometimes, you think you”re already over a person,
but when you see them smile at you,
you”ll suddenly realize that you”re just pretending
to be over them just to ease the pain of knowing that
they will never be yours again…for some, they think that letting go is one way
of expressing how much they love that person…
in my opinion, some are afraid to see the one they love
being held by someone else…most relationships tend to fail not because
the absence of love. love is always present.
it’’s just that one was being loved too much and
the other was being loved too little…as we all know that the heart is the center of the body
but it beats on the left. maybe that’’s the reason
why the heart is not always right…most often we fall in love with the person we think we love
but to only discover that for them we are just for passing time.
while the one who truly
loves us remains either a friend or a stranger…so here’’s a piece of advice;
let go when you”re hurting too much.
give up when love isn”t enough.
and move on when things are not like before…
For sure there is someone out there
WHO WiLL LOVE YOU EVEN MORE…
Especially the part about the heart being on the left thus it’s not always “right”. I don’t know if I can agree. I think this varies from person to person though.
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