My Pseudo Lover

“My Pseudo Lover” by Esmond Ng 30/08/12 © Copyright

We met, the unlikeliest of places in,
Over periwinkles and happily ever-afters.
You laughed initially, at the girl of dreams my,
But soon you saw, what really meant I.

We coupled, our fixations shared,
Remote and absurd but our inhibitions bared.
You suggested we chat and did we,
A bee to flower it soon daily be.

We dreamt of each other funny,
For never met had we.
And we heard each other’s soul acutely,
Though our voices, too had not we.

I became your morning addiction,
And you, I didn’t make known, became mine.
I wrote you poems and messages sweet,
Some that made you tingled, multiply.

We made Love, cuddled and caressed,
Through our thoughts and words unclad.
We made Love on our minds’ ends,
The longings we couldn’t repress.

I had thought we should have next stepped,
I had thought we both were ready.
But guesses me over Sunday no not maybe,
That sure, my Pseudo Lover isn’t yet she.

Now she distanced seems,
My fault, I keep blaming me.
Why the haste so,
Why stupidly did I do, what did me.

She dilemmas over us,
And rightly so should she.
As in her mind reruns our memories,
So I too, her pinky promises to me.

Rereading our writings umpteenly,
Unknowingly attached have become me.
And all this while I tried to steal pieces of your heart,
You had already taken mine completely.

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Tiffany Believes in Miracles

“Tiffany Believes InMiracles” by Esmond Ng 17/07/12 © Copyright

Tiffany Choo Yong Li (04/09/1987 – 13/07/2012)

You’re gone, yet you’re here,
You’ve left, yet in our lives inhabit.
Beautiful times they abide in our hearts,
Etched sorely in each every mind.

Love a word too faint describe,
All your friends of you surely none’d deny.
Fixedly you brought smiles and joy,
Typed boldly in our pages of life.

I’m sure I for many say this,
That I should have spent a bit, just a bit more time.
To catch up over coffee,
To have caught you in your prime.

Your luster flamed away fleetly,
The candle jealous’d of your shine.
But you lit up all of our nights,
And shone’d brightly in our darkest times.

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Merry Christmas

“Merry Christmas” by Esmond Ng 15/12/11 © Copyright

It’s been an awful long time since last engaged we,
But that doesn’t mean our friendship to any less.
Still remember I thee as that lovely girl I first eyed,
Oh what joy, youthful infatuations from my past.

Thank you for creating that pivotal point in my Life,
And a juncture that I visit every now every then.
Say so today as I would have back then,
Ay, thy cherry lips and skin fair as palely ice.

Nae man can tether time or tide,
All’s gone are but memories which I treasure hold tight.
Irrevocably, my days more colored for met I you,
So fate and fortune decreed I met thee in my time.

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Can You Feel This?

“Can you feel this?” by Esmond Ng 09/10/11 © Copyright

They say Lovers’ hearts are connected,
Do you concur with they?
That one would feel the other’s pain,
Do you are you the same?

For this now shattering falling apart each worse than the last,
With every new day’s curse exponentially crushed.
Ceteris paribus but yet the air I feel thinning,
And how my breathing’s choking my own breathing.

In my silent screams I jerk sometimes looking up to see,
Nothing but what blur a person drowning might glimpse.
Beneath the salty sea of tears my head would downwards quiver,
Forms but another sea of which for me to go under.

I look into the mirror but all is your face in it,
And it hurts for me to see you in such manner.
But it’s my own crinkled lips and clatter of teeth that’s here,
My convulsions you go through too I wonder?

I love you and you said,
Each time I said you’d miss a beat.
How can something so right be so wrong,
That you’ll bear for me to give away?

You have on my chest rested and heard,
That it beats for you too surely.
And in my embrace you have felt,
The world of you in me.

How am I supposed to live without you,
When you take the reason my heart beats away?
How am I supposed to live,
If my world would cease without you to exist?

This whole ballad was written drenched,
And I can hardly see what was penned.
But every word was coughed out,
Amidst the breaths I tried to catch.

There is hardly any more beautiful,
Than waves that return.
To kiss the very shore it loves,
After each it’s sent away.

I know that at times things may beyond me be,
And none I can do but wish you smiles and better than me.
But if we are as magically linked as we both agreed,
My Queen, surely you can feel this.
Surely you can feel this.

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You Still You? A Coffee Sometime?

“You Still You? A Coffee Sometime?” by Esmond Ng 24/02/11 © Copyright

Just on Monday I was reminded,
For a storey away close; Of you.
Just Today in chat my friend and I of,
Memories fond; our once’d treasured, Loved.

Today totally caught me off guard unexpected,
This Wednesday of news bad but in night appeared,
After Time had sailed you far along that River of Life,
Never thought I again would that memory in Real’s light.

You know you look the same no different from first,
When first I with at Harbor’s Front with you.
You look exactly how I remembered countless of times,
When we first dotted those stars on our only starred sky.

Perhaps a little weathered but still you,
Cherry-lipped and fair maiden’d skin I had in 05 described.
Perhaps a little jaded but still you to I,
Sunny eyed which warmed my chilled barefooted beach night.

And if you be reading this on this night I write,
Kid not I myself but still u and I same mind’d.
For those lavender moments we held close to mind,
A friend, could I ask for perhaps a coffee again sometime?

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Everyone Else

“Everyone Else” by Esmond Ng 14/02/11 © Copyright

One of my favorite celebrations,
One that makes Love, to me alive.
The one which fairies my idealistic Life,
The one which longs my Heart so desire.

And yet again Love cruels my truest affection,
To the You I thought finally found the other.
Yet the beats do not strike as intended,
The Hearts somewhat I perhaps mistaken.

Was it folly of me to give once more,
I fall in too easily and Frank says too fast.
In Love She could have misinterpreted,
Maybe too hard for her Heart to fully grasp.

So what make of I this Love declaration sad?
Now once more drowneth I in self-pity distress.
But for all my friends whom their Loves have met,
This day for everyone else Valentines glad.

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Why wasn’t I the First?

“Why wasn’t I the First?” by Esmond Ng 23/01/11 © Copyright

To me Love is but to Love,
Nothing less than which suffices the word.
To me Love is surely to give,
Unconditionally to put the other as first.

When sit I in still of night ponder,
Why of all do I miss Thee every unengaged?
Of my waking moments does do doeth,
That you fill my mind of you and your images.

Nothing else matters,
For you am I yours only should you ask given.
I am everything I choose for you be,
If only you see what I see.

But this night I sit again yet rethinketh,
What be I to you then I wonder.
Would I be to you what you be to me?
Would I be first everything just like my Love to me?

For you not to me what I to you,
Always had put in first place my heart true.
I believed once, I did,
I believed in you and me.

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My Eyes on You

“My Eyes on You” by Esmond Ng 01/06/10 © Copyright

I recall when the world for us stilled,
Nothing mattered much when I with you.
We talked for ages though we’ve just met,
Of similarities we did not reenact.

When gentle eyes yours set on mine,
My vision blurred from corner both sides.
For what my Heart sought I now see before,
My first True Love, perhaps my only all.

Know I that you will know this too,
That to me there is only one; only you.
Till now I could never like before,
My eyes on anyone set like I did yours.

I could not; never wander from you,
Your baring eyes spoke such cherishing truth.
That if eternity could be any longer to,
I choose my eyes, again will on you.

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I Pray

“I Pray” by Esmond Ng 12/08/09 © copyright

I pray for abounding things,
Of most many yen the same.
Unvarnished to ornamented they be,
How fervently amaranthine we seek.

I pray for prime and clean bill,
To forward my trade pursuits.
From which treasure riches return,
All worldly possessions we yearn.

I pray for Love innocent and true,
The meeting of Hearts to hold to.
I pray this turn finally be mine,
This time to find my Valentine.

But all of these I had asked lavish,
I pray equally take from me; banish.
For give rather I in place of these,
That You in replace will all above receive.

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Time in Some Place

“Time in Some Place” by Esmond Ng 11/03/09 © Copyright

Miraculous it may seem,
Fate works its ways in us beings.
For never did I imagine could be,
What I seek’d in front of me.

Once I hanker’d and once I did receive,
Paints of memories and etch’d it did.
An innocent Romeo & Juliet story,
Coincidences in most everything.

Like the end of tragic Love stories,
Too ours perhaps guileless and naïve.
But these flowers its’ scent can’t be erased,
Even long after they’re gone we had our Time in some place.

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The Greatest Distance

“The Greatest Distance” by Esmond Ng 26/01/09 © Copyright

The greatest distance between two,
Not for when I not next to you.
But for when face to yours see,
Not oblivious to each’s burning ardency.

It is for then when you in front of me,
And yet when Love we know subsist,
And yet whilst this passion flamingly,
That we know Fate will never let us be.

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Love is King

“Love is King” by Esmond Ng 21/10/08 © Copyright

By King; not of monarchial palatine,
But that of sovereign authority.
That Love is King,
The potent utmost of feelings.

For towers it his adversary,
Hate that chew’d through humanity.
The nemesis most reputed regentship,
That Love defeats whole-heatedly.

So true they say of it,
Love conquers all through ages repeat.
Care it be tempestuous heat,
Love would always cool the salvage beast.

Not of just trouncing its archenemy,
The transmuting to lesser of hostilities.
Also but with Love comes many,
Blitzkrieg transmogrifications scary.

For Love can crash the deepest of seas,
From Love to Hate and aggression leads.
But too Love can scale insurmountable peaks,
Comes Joy and Happiness beyond speech.

What then cursory speak of Love we?
Nay I say speak but only reverence should we.
For it be what it is,
The root of all feelings King.

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Look before you leap

I recently read in the papers about a really unfortunate incident that happened in Taiwan. A lady plagued by illness decided to take her own life by leaping off a building. The untoward circumstance was that she had landed on an innocent passerby; taking her life. Condolences and solace to the families. I’m not going to blog about who’s outcome deserving or not. But it got me thinking about writing something that we all do so often; leaping before looking.

Whether it be in love, career or daily choices, we all frequently make irrational rash decisions every now and then. All so repeatedly, we draw conclusions from ill-informed information based more on our foolhardy emotions. After which many we would deeply regret.

I’m guilty of falling into this emotive trap at times. I too have many contributions to this lamentable list of imbecilic mistakes. What’s worse is that we ofttimes hurt someone else in the process as well. Remember the Chinese phrase?

Direct translation would mean: “Spilled water can’t be retrieved.” What we do or say are simply irreversible. Once the damage is done, it’s done. I would like to take this chance to apologise to everyone that I have ever hurt directly or indirectly, knowingly or unknowingly.

Maybe it’ll do us all some good if we remind ourselves to really look and think, deliberate if we have to before we start leaping away again.

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God’s Miracles

I grew up in a Christian family and did all the things other Christian kids did. Going to sunday school, joining youth fellowships and trusting God as my Lord and Saviour. Although I was “born” into a Christian family, I genuinely knew for myself that God was real in my life. I ended up getting very involved in the youth worships; playing the guitar and occasionally leading it. Everything seemed to be heading in the right direction. God blessed me tremendously. I did very well in school; getting scholarships, book prizes and the lot. I never had any major catastrophes to deal with. So basically life was all good.

Well in any story, there has got be some twist and turns right? At some point in time my “perfect” family started to crumble. Sparing the details, my sheltered existence took one of the biggest downturns I had ever been accosted with. I started to blame God for everything bad that happened even though I knew he had an infallible plan for us all. Despite that, blaming someone else was always the easiest option. I simply chose to not see his faithfulness carrying me through.

I wanted more than just contend to know that God was there. Becoming defiant, I conveniently turned my back to him. I wanted my own “Miracle” to prove that God still loved me. I would often say: “If you are omnipotent and all knowing, show me a sign. Show me that you are real to me.”

From then on, things got really bad. I dropped out of church and indulged in almost everything unholy and corrupt. To be honest, I haven’t really fully recovered until this day. Although I knew deep down that God was always watching me and keeping me safe, I elected to ignore all the little rainbows he sent to me. So there I was, continuing with my new-found “freedom” and uninhibited lifestyle.

I guess everything has a threshold. As a balloon can only stretch that much, a person can only tolerate so much pain. My breakdown point was really Jero. (in a few posts prior) He is such a darling to me that I really didn’t have the strength to envisage the possibility of loosing him so soon. In desperation, I could only think of God to turn to. He was the only One that I could really confide in and pour everything that hurt me all these years. In all candor, it felt really good. It felt like all the weight that had burdened me all this time was suddenly lifted.

All this desolate while, my oasis was right in front of me. I had just blatantly brushed it off as a mirage; turning a blind eye to it. I had my “Miracle” all along. It just took Jero to show it to me.

No, the miracle wasn’t Jero’s recovery. It is God’s steadfast love and endless mercy for me. It is God’s undying affection for a wayward child like me. He is the alpha and the omega that I just didn’t want to see. He did not promise life to be a bed of roses. But he did promise that he’ll be there to carry us all through. Amen.

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No Expectations

No Expectations

A dear told me some months back: “Do things without expectations, then you wouldn’t be disappointed when you don’t get reciprocal results.” Well, that seemed pretty amazing coming from her. Deliberated, mulled and surmised that it was true. You see, work = force x distance. So going the distance means one would have to work with force in variable extents. If you put in so much effort in something, you’d naturally expect certain returns. If not, you would not have otherwise humanly done it in the first place. As often as we would instead like it, these results can turn out rather dispiriting. Thus to avoid this dampening gloom, not expecting anything in exchange would be our safest bet!

Stuck with that for awhile but soon realized this objective way of doing things was just not mortally possible! The basic fallacy of this statement is it ignores the fact that we are mere flesh and blood; frail and fragile. Any other way to agree otherwise would devoid us of our creatural roots. We are all selfish to some degree or other. Don’t you agree?

How about unconditional Love? The Love of Jesus to His children? The Love of parents to their offsprings? Are we not capable of unconditional Love? Or does it just not really exist in our mundane and secular world? Are self-sacrifice and fairytales just meant for novels and movies? Yet again, some would beg to disagree. I for one would choose to believe. For even cubs to lions mean the world, what less our Loves to we?

Yes, we are self-seeking but also perishable. So why should the nice things we do for people be? Then you ask me: “Summation be, should we expect?”

Esmond’s Very Own Quote for May:

“Give as you would expect receive. And perchance, you’d be surprised with what you tenfold inherit.”
~ © Esmond Ng 09/05/06

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