My Pseudo Lover

“My Pseudo Lover” by Esmond Ng 30/08/12 © Copyright

We met, the unlikeliest of places in,
Over periwinkles and happily ever-afters.
You laughed initially, at the girl of dreams my,
But soon you saw, what really meant I.

We coupled, our fixations shared,
Remote and absurd but our inhibitions bared.
You suggested we chat and did we,
A bee to flower it soon daily be.

We dreamt of each other funny,
For never met had we.
And we heard each other’s soul acutely,
Though our voices, too had not we.

I became your morning addiction,
And you, I didn’t make known, became mine.
I wrote you poems and messages sweet,
Some that made you tingled, multiply.

We made Love, cuddled and caressed,
Through our thoughts and words unclad.
We made Love on our minds’ ends,
The longings we couldn’t repress.

I had thought we should have next stepped,
I had thought we both were ready.
But guesses me over Sunday no not maybe,
That sure, my Pseudo Lover isn’t yet she.

Now she distanced seems,
My fault, I keep blaming me.
Why the haste so,
Why stupidly did I do, what did me.

She dilemmas over us,
And rightly so should she.
As in her mind reruns our memories,
So I too, her pinky promises to me.

Rereading our writings umpteenly,
Unknowingly attached have become me.
And all this while I tried to steal pieces of your heart,
You had already taken mine completely.

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Henry Ng (08/08/1947 – 03/04/2012)

Dad and I

Dad and I

“Henry Ng” by Esmond Ng 24/05/2016 © Copyright

We had a few scares quite before this,
Nurses call’d to quick, come him see quick.
The alert, this time, follows through,
His breath last, my Dad into Heaven pass’d.

I thought prepar’d was I was,
For he’d defi’d death 3 years elong.
When all had predict’d life of year half in him,
What more, how longer much could we have entreat?

But I was wrong.
Whether foreknown or abrupt it comes,
Nothing prepares you for a kin’s repose,
Nothing gets you ready for your blood’s loss.

I didn’t cry; not then.
I told myself a relationship we hadn’t had.
Maybe he was never there, or maybe Love I had never felt,
Maybe it was something I had conjur’d, had made up.

But he was there when I was born,
Beaming ear to other, holding me in his arms.
He was there when took I my steps first,
And words utter’d in such random firsts.

He held me up to God at the Baptism service,
He’d probably too was first, to for me tears shed.
He was there to help with all my childhood cake candles,
And he was there when mom came cane-charging choler.

Dad was there, how not manag’d to see I it?
Heck, he was there at my first dental visit!
He was the first to put a hanky in my pocket, something which I still do carry,
He had even taught me to ride my red bicycle at our very first picnic.

You should have seen him when topp’d I my class,
Or when he boast’d to others my horrid guitar strums.
All would know if I did anything well, relatives and neighbors,
Why didn’t I make him more proud, just a little more proud?

When I bought my bike verboten, he shook his head and got me a car,
When I bump’d it, he never once accomplish’d a single sound.
He sav’d on everything but not on me did,
Flight’d me away to Aussie for studies, Crikey! Indeed.

Even when we fought and shout’d at other each,
Nothing ever stay’d sour’d for very long.
He provid’d and gave but never asked for return anything,
He gave me his Love, how could I not have notic’d?

We did a number of things together, together,
From karaoke to washing the car to hitting the gym strong.
How did we end up like this, distanc’d and dissociat’d?
Why hadn’t I, had not effort put in enough?

Retrospect, surely our relationship, not estrang’d,
I seem mistaken, he was there no doubting it.
His actions ensu’d no reason other but Love,
Least I forget, Dad was Dad all along.

I bet there’s way more he did than I can here in speech,
And now he’s gone, I cried eventually, what good is it?
Perhaps in another decade half him I’ll again see,
Perhaps then we could redo what we’d miss’d.

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14 Ways to know if you’re Broken

1. You realize that you can feel all the emotional statuses appearing on your Facebook feed.
2. You realize you can zone out for extended periods without any recollection of what you did, how you got to somewhere, why were doing something, et cetera.
3. You have compulsive behavior over things you know don’t make a difference to the issue.
4. You need to control the verge of tearing the minute you are alone. e.g. In the washroom’s cubicle.
5. You have to fight back tearing at your colleague’s personal life sharing.
6. You can tremble your lips within 10 seconds, well your eyes within 20, and switch from all smiles to a face full of tears within 30.
7. You cry uncontrollably to Wedding proposal videos on YouTube.
8. You cry to memories half a year old.
9. You cry to imaginary scenarios you create.
10. You cry to anything and everything remotely touching.
11. You cry during Worship sessions at church.
12. You cry without realizing that you are.
13. You tell everyone that you’re alright but you know deep down that you are capable of swinging back to the lowest point at the snap of a finger.
14. You managed to say yes to all the above within the last 2 weeks.

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Make the next happen

So many are trending about bye bye horrible 2011, i’ll make things right etc. come 2012. Oh common, wake up already people! Everyday is a new day, just as precious as the last and the next. It’s called “Today”. Do something with it. Peace.

“You can’t change things; you make the next happen.”
~ © Esmond Ng 27/12/11

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This End

“This End” by Esmond Ng 20/10/11 © Copyright

How it ends who’s to know?
It as bleak as those in May.
But if I choose I might I may,
To end in hands holding I pray.

For my Life all long searched,
Such a fairy end I’d gladly take.
And Thou if believeth what we said,
Then this end may I with Thee make?

Long-Married Couple Gordon Yeager And Norma Yeager Pass Away Holding Hands

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Similitudes Dans La Vie

“Similitudes Dans La Vie” by Esmond Ng 11/07/11 © Copyright

I dithered entire the week,
On how the weekend’s play would play.
For it’s been years since we lipped last,
Of the things we both same’d.

I dreamt a dream of you thrice,
I glimpsed a glimpse of the day next.
Was I really so aflutter of it all,
Or did I for this longed too elongate?

It finally came; awed I remain,
On circumstances, on how we can still relate.
Some things will remain some things,
And some friends we’ll surely see again.

Over food we did masticate,
By the waters we did exchange.
Charmed, the way connected we,
Seems not like time estranged.

The twists and turns we together saw,
The night’s song a little short we complained.
Our chariot was lengthy the wait,
But a little longer I secretly wished away.

No matter multiday had things some changed,
No matter how we both aged grace.
But for all it seemed on Saturday,
It seemed we stilled in ways we stayed.

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You Still You? A Coffee Sometime?

“You Still You? A Coffee Sometime?” by Esmond Ng 24/02/11 © Copyright

Just on Monday I was reminded,
For a storey away close; Of you.
Just Today in chat my friend and I of,
Memories fond; our once’d treasured, Loved.

Today totally caught me off guard unexpected,
This Wednesday of news bad but in night appeared,
After Time had sailed you far along that River of Life,
Never thought I again would that memory in Real’s light.

You know you look the same no different from first,
When first I with at Harbor’s Front with you.
You look exactly how I remembered countless of times,
When we first dotted those stars on our only starred sky.

Perhaps a little weathered but still you,
Cherry-lipped and fair maiden’d skin I had in 05 described.
Perhaps a little jaded but still you to I,
Sunny eyed which warmed my chilled barefooted beach night.

And if you be reading this on this night I write,
Kid not I myself but still u and I same mind’d.
For those lavender moments we held close to mind,
A friend, could I ask for perhaps a coffee again sometime?

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Everyone Else

“Everyone Else” by Esmond Ng 14/02/11 © Copyright

One of my favorite celebrations,
One that makes Love, to me alive.
The one which fairies my idealistic Life,
The one which longs my Heart so desire.

And yet again Love cruels my truest affection,
To the You I thought finally found the other.
Yet the beats do not strike as intended,
The Hearts somewhat I perhaps mistaken.

Was it folly of me to give once more,
I fall in too easily and Frank says too fast.
In Love She could have misinterpreted,
Maybe too hard for her Heart to fully grasp.

So what make of I this Love declaration sad?
Now once more drowneth I in self-pity distress.
But for all my friends whom their Loves have met,
This day for everyone else Valentines glad.

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In Memory

In Loving Memory of Stephanie Tan Lai Chan (23/01/89 – 01/01/10)

“In Memory” by Esmond Ng 02/01/10 © Copyright

I would see you almost every other day,
But yet you, I’d not know beyond your name.
Too few hellos and goodbyes we’d have,
Time too haste, too fast to chase.

We shared too, too little exchanges;
Of hearty smiles and laughter candor.
Of our ups and downs, and cheer and fears.
Fair in times like these never, know not I will ever.

I’d never know how your demeanor,
Of what your friends about you say.
How you’d react to the funny things, I have yet no chance to say.
Know not I will ever, this friend I have yet to truly make.

For our God has chosen for you,
To His bosom side to stay.
And though we’ll all miss you in our each own ways,
We’d like you to know, you were not in vain.

For your memories and image they live on,
In those whom sighted you as you blazed along.
Like a comet gone too soon,
We’ll reminisce till we’re blazed out too.

In three weeks 21 you’d be,
“Happy Birthday, Steph!” to you from me.
A final teary “Goodbye” for now it seems,
Hearts, your family, friends and me.

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Time in Some Place

“Time in Some Place” by Esmond Ng 11/03/09 © Copyright

Miraculous it may seem,
Fate works its ways in us beings.
For never did I imagine could be,
What I seek’d in front of me.

Once I hanker’d and once I did receive,
Paints of memories and etch’d it did.
An innocent Romeo & Juliet story,
Coincidences in most everything.

Like the end of tragic Love stories,
Too ours perhaps guileless and naïve.
But these flowers its’ scent can’t be erased,
Even long after they’re gone we had our Time in some place.

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The Lead Box

“The Lead Box” by Esmond Ng 08/01/09 © Copyright

Choices not apparent the always,
Deceivable most times the case,
If be uninvolved so snap smooth the first place,
Then what of choice would be it in dawning preface?

How we then make verdict of it all?
Consensus concord a volition pray.
For some in haste and foolhardy made,
Regrettable woeful will afflict its place.

Bassanio too was worriment engaged,
For dependent was Portia on his take.
Should gold, silver or lead be his box picked?
Should he cull a coward pick?

As stairs of sand they wear upon their chins,
The beard of Hercules and all their fancy things.
But inward with their milk’d white livers,
So too the precious metal boxes contain.

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The Disconsolate Angel

“The Disconsolate Angel” by Esmond Ng © copyright 06/10/05

Seemingly beyond consolation you lay,
In your tears hidden by the feigning smile you display.
But bystanders they truly see in Thy angelic grace,
That your rainbow will come soon; hold on to your faith.

Thou art remain strong I pray,
The disconsolate Angel in all so beauty’s allure.
If so really Thou’s soul did die when he went away,
How so the world stays in awe when my eyes set on your face?

For not all will appreciate an Angel image,
Just like an unbeliever to a miracle’s envisage.
Wrong he did to you; you so unfairly perceived,
However wrong then you, because he be the one on losing’s receive.

Sometimes Love not work our way,
It’s been so since man can relate.
Not at all smooth our experiences vouch this journey,
But after each means we are closer to our fairy dreamings.

With every heart-felt pain we take away,
Lessons learned, all of which valuable to assist.
After storms, we then know better what future brings,
And what to avoid when rainbow’s gold at end we see.

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“The Absence Of”

Is there such a thing as being cold? You might say: “Of course! My air-conditioner works like a refrigerator!” Well, the truth is that there really isn’t such a thing as “cold”. We can have heat, a lot of it, or sometimes very little of it. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat at all. However, we cannot go any lower than that. There simply doesn’t exist something called “cold”. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy and measurable but cold is not the opposite of heat! “Cold” is a word we made up to describe the lack of heat.

Then is there something called “darkness”? We assume we see it every single night. The truth is…there isn’t! We can have little light, a lot of light, bright light or even flashing light. Darkness isn’t the opposite of light, it’s just the lack or absence of it. If there is such a thing called “darkness”, wouldn’t we be able to make it darker?

Similarly, we don’t have “death”. Death doesn’t exist as a substantial thing. It’s also not the opposite of life. Death is just the absence of life.

I was talking to a dear friend two nights back. She was saying that she can’t and/or doesn’t feel pain anymore. Immune, you might think? What did I say? “It’s not that you don’t feel pain, you just forgot how happiness and joy felt like.” My reasoning?

“Pain is not the opposite of Happiness. It’s the absence of it.”
~ © Esmond Ng 13/09/05

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Fate vs Destiny vs Choice

I believe in Fate. Fate is what causes events to happen and brings people to meet. It is something we have little control over. We can always choose where to go or appear, but we wouldn’t have a clue what would happen or the people we get to meet when we’re there.

However, I choose not to believe in Destiny. There are those who lament they’re not meant to successful. They say that they’re destined to fail. They postulate that Prime Ministers are “born”, not made. That they need to be “born” with special skills, characteristics and luck. More often than not, they present tons of reasons or rather excuses for themselves. Such as complicated family backgrounds, lack of support or even name a friend’s influence! Firmly, I beg to differ. Simply because there exists such a thing called “Choice”.

Choice is something that accosts us each and every day. Whether we choose a red or white shirt, whether we eat noodles or rice; almost each and everything we do, we have a choice. There’s really no such thing as no choice. It’s just seems so because we sometimes choose the easier way out straight away!

Whilst we are at “Choice”, it can be elementary placed into two main categories. One, those already made and two, those that are yet to be made. A decision of the past is a sunk one. It doesn’t matter anymore if it was right or wrong. What’s done is done! There’s no way to “turn back the clock” as Johnny Hates Jazz suggests. What’s important are those that you can still control, the choices you have yet to make; the decisions that affect your future! That’s the sole reason I can think of why it’s called “Choice” and not “Chosen”.

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Paint my memories

“Paint my memories” by Esmond Ng © copyright 25/05/05

I know Sorry is a word redundant,
When you have set out to eradicate me.
I know my explanations mean nothing,
For a verdict like a judge did pass me.

The reason for end is not as important as the ending,
This finale is not at all beautiful like stories seem.
But it may be best this way an end to all these,
For I realize myself too that anything to you I can’t promise.

I did enjoy your company, I really did.
Everything a memory I would still want to cherish.
Never did intend to use thee lik’d thee had deem’d me,
But it’s really not crucial the reasoning already.

For know myself more through knowing thee,
That in my heart someone else is still within me.
“Paint my memories” she did really,
A painting with varnish and medium to last for centuries.

Lest it be less use to say it,
It be best still the word to put it.
Thou do deserve someone better, someone that can give;
Sorry, that for you one is not me.

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My Diary

“My Diary” by Esmond Ng © copyright 17/05/05

I have a diary.
Which I write of things I can’t express here.
My inner most thoughts and feelings I unreservedly explicit.
Of which many are glum and melancholy.

I have a diary.
It be where my solace is.
For no other can relate to me; the way it can, truly.
Experiences, my journal; my life story.

If Heaven so decree and unkind be,
Let me make my final entry.
Then let the world be made known,
That this be my best work yet.

For the essence of my diary,
Is really what my Life means.
That no word in existence more appropriate,
Describe what Pain be.

So is this end of road for me?
If so really, pray do read my diary.

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Negative Quotes

These are some negative quotes I plucked off the net. Best read and forgotten. Warning: They are not meant to be inspirational or taken seriously!

“Those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” — George Santayana

“The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train.” — unknown

“That’s the remarkable thing about life. No matter how bad it gets it can always get worse.” -Calvin

“Just when you think you’ve finally hit bottom, someone tosses you a shovel.” — unknown

“People will believe anything if you whisper it.” — unknown

“If everything seems to be going well, you obviously don’t know what the hell is going on.” — Murphy’s Laws

“When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.” — unknown

“When things are perfect, that’s when you need to worry most.” — Drew Barrymore

“Today is the tommorow you dreaded yesterday.” — unknown

“Nobody’s pain hurts worse than your own.” — ‘Munky’ James Schaffer

“Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.” — unknown

“Every one is guilty of all the good they didn’t do.” — Voltaire

“We tell you over and over again how wonderful and special you are and you just don’t get it! What’s wrong with you?!?” — Helen Morgandorfer ‘Daria’

“I’m not in denial. I’m just selective about the reality i choose to accept” -Calvin and Hobbes

“The hardest battle you’re ever going to fight is the battle just to be you.” — unknown

“Don’t ever slam a door. You might want to go back.” — unknown

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