esmondng on September 3rd, 2011
You won’t see me cry,
For all I ever wanted was smiles by your side.
You won’t see me cry,
As I appear must to be glad you’re glad.
You won’t see me cry,
For the burden is mine alone to bear.
You won’t see me cry,
So sure I know you can live your best.
esmondng on February 28th, 2011
When the night is in night,
And the dark becomes dark.
Then when its silence begin to ring,
There my ears for you be.
Tale upon rain,
And story upon storms.
Tell and tears bring to the weary,
My shoulders for you lean.
And with it winds,
Cold to the bone chilling.
If nothing warms this world seems,
Come and into my embrace me.
When it feels rather burdened,
And beyond floods they weigh in.
Should your feet crumble fall,
You unto me I shall carry.
For when all these dissipate,
With you I will be left standing.
For you when lost, in pitch sky I was,
Compassing for you always; a light shining.
esmondng on July 29th, 2008
I grew up in a Christian family and did all the things other Christian kids did. Going to sunday school, joining youth fellowships and trusting God as my Lord and Saviour. Although I was “born” into a Christian family, I genuinely knew for myself that God was real in my life. I ended up getting very involved in the youth worships; playing the guitar and occasionally leading it. Everything seemed to be heading in the right direction. God blessed me tremendously. I did very well in school; getting scholarships, book prizes and the lot. I never had any major catastrophes to deal with. So basically life was all good.
Well in any story, there has got be some twist and turns right? At some point in time my “perfect” family started to crumble. Sparing the details, my sheltered existence took one of the biggest downturns I had ever been accosted with. I started to blame God for everything bad that happened even though I knew he had an infallible plan for us all. Despite that, blaming someone else was always the easiest option. I simply chose to not see his faithfulness carrying me through.
I wanted more than just contend to know that God was there. Becoming defiant, I conveniently turned my back to him. I wanted my own “Miracle” to prove that God still loved me. I would often say: “If you are omnipotent and all knowing, show me a sign. Show me that you are real to me.”
From then on, things got really bad. I dropped out of church and indulged in almost everything unholy and corrupt. To be honest, I haven’t really fully recovered until this day. Although I knew deep down that God was always watching me and keeping me safe, I elected to ignore all the little rainbows he sent to me. So there I was, continuing with my new-found “freedom” and uninhibited lifestyle.
I guess everything has a threshold. As a balloon can only stretch that much, a person can only tolerate so much pain. My breakdown point was really Jero. (in a few posts prior) He is such a darling to me that I really didn’t have the strength to envisage the possibility of loosing him so soon. In desperation, I could only think of God to turn to. He was the only One that I could really confide in and pour everything that hurt me all these years. In all candor, it felt really good. It felt like all the weight that had burdened me all this time was suddenly lifted.
All this desolate while, my oasis was right in front of me. I had just blatantly brushed it off as a mirage; turning a blind eye to it. I had my “Miracle” all along. It just took Jero to show it to me.
No, the miracle wasn’t Jero’s recovery. It is God’s steadfast love and endless mercy for me. It is God’s undying affection for a wayward child like me. He is the alpha and the omega that I just didn’t want to see. He did not promise life to be a bed of roses. But he did promise that he’ll be there to carry us all through. Amen.
esmondng on July 22nd, 2008
The other night you were away,
Out went I, gallivanting amidst boisterous crowds.
Fluttering to music or rather, noises all too loud;
Loneliness did help, aid to plug them out.
How happy you could not see,
My face that moment of message yours I received.
But it must have been noticed my face which gleamed,
For burdened everyone else’s around me.
Seemingly drunk I stammered home,
However fresh your memory I hold untainted close.
That all I can think of is Thee in foreign land remote,
And how far my baby is though under the same moon glow.
After much debate did my eyes actually occlude,
To sleep I thought “Hey, tomorrow will be better posed.”
Serenity tranquil associated to rest not true,
For it seemed my night was terribly consumed.
Four times aroused through the dark slumbers,
Each time I recall, I dreamt of only you.
And once did I cry before from truly forty winks awoke,
How else could my pillow and sheets be soaked?
They say a drunk’s word most honest; it be true,
Wanted to know whose name I’d call if I were juiced.
Wanted to see if in Love really I be with you,
No need an answer now for my seek of candor truth.
For know I this moment where it belongs,
My heart and yearnings; they for you.
At least I fathomed my feelings as honest real,
At least I know now my breath breathes for you.
esmondng on July 22nd, 2008
I know it seems different now,
A very chang’d circumstance we be in.
With every exchange liken’d to,
The decay of cold fatality wins.
For days, hours, seconds they creep by;
Exacerbate bad to its superlative.
Though I be thought of as repugnant,
Is that the really of me you knew?
Distrust and disbelief they set in,
Find my all so unnecessarily burden’d.
One day it be hard to see me;
The me who has always been.
For I am who you first chanc’d to meet,
I am the very same from the beginning.
Looks’t back and pray thee remember please,
Memory the same very old me.
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