Henry Ng (08/08/1947 – 03/04/2012)

Dad and I

Dad and I

“Henry Ng” by Esmond Ng 24/05/2016 © Copyright

We had a few scares quite before this,
Nurses call’d to quick, come him see quick.
The alert, this time, follows through,
His breath last, my Dad into Heaven pass’d.

I thought prepar’d was I was,
For he’d defi’d death 3 years elong.
When all had predict’d life of year half in him,
What more, how longer much could we have entreat?

But I was wrong.
Whether foreknown or abrupt it comes,
Nothing prepares you for a kin’s repose,
Nothing gets you ready for your blood’s loss.

I didn’t cry; not then.
I told myself a relationship we hadn’t had.
Maybe he was never there, or maybe Love I had never felt,
Maybe it was something I had conjur’d, had made up.

But he was there when I was born,
Beaming ear to other, holding me in his arms.
He was there when took I my steps first,
And words utter’d in such random firsts.

He held me up to God at the Baptism service,
He’d probably too was first, to for me tears shed.
He was there to help with all my childhood cake candles,
And he was there when mom came cane-charging choler.

Dad was there, how not manag’d to see I it?
Heck, he was there at my first dental visit!
He was the first to put a hanky in my pocket, something which I still do carry,
He had even taught me to ride my red bicycle at our very first picnic.

You should have seen him when topp’d I my class,
Or when he boast’d to others my horrid guitar strums.
All would know if I did anything well, relatives and neighbors,
Why didn’t I make him more proud, just a little more proud?

When I bought my bike verboten, he shook his head and got me a car,
When I bump’d it, he never once accomplish’d a single sound.
He sav’d on everything but not on me did,
Flight’d me away to Aussie for studies, Crikey! Indeed.

Even when we fought and shout’d at other each,
Nothing ever stay’d sour’d for very long.
He provid’d and gave but never asked for return anything,
He gave me his Love, how could I not have notic’d?

We did a number of things together, together,
From karaoke to washing the car to hitting the gym strong.
How did we end up like this, distanc’d and dissociat’d?
Why hadn’t I, had not effort put in enough?

Retrospect, surely our relationship, not estrang’d,
I seem mistaken, he was there no doubting it.
His actions ensu’d no reason other but Love,
Least I forget, Dad was Dad all along.

I bet there’s way more he did than I can here in speech,
And now he’s gone, I cried eventually, what good is it?
Perhaps in another decade half him I’ll again see,
Perhaps then we could redo what we’d miss’d.

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Take her in the wind

“Take her in the wind” by Esmond Ng 25/02/12 © Copyright

You get not what you want, but want what you can’t.
You hurt the shes whom heart you,
Yet are hurt by she you gave yours to.
Wouldn’t it just a mystery be, if Life kindly treats,
Us for once what we would like be treat.
What’s gone is best perhaps left in the wind,
For thoughts that return within carry its chills, its pins.
And with each whispering rustle kiss,
It cuts bone deep, really so deep.

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Never will I leave u; never will I forsake u.

This passage brought a tear (or maybe a few more) while I was reading it on the bus last Friday. Excerpt from Adam Hamilton’s “Why?”:

This last Christmas our church delivered Christmas baskets to all of our worshipers who are currently unemployed. Each of our pastors and a number of our laypeople committed to deliver baskets. On Sunday after our 10:45 A.M. service, I sat down at m desk and began calling the list of persons I was delivering to. The first call was to a woman name “Carrie.” When she answered I said, “Carrie, this is Pastor Adam Hamilton from the Church of the Resurrection, and I was wondering if I could stop by to drop off a Christmas gift basket from the church. It is a small reminder that God has not forgotten you, and that God loves you. Would it be okay if I stopped by this afternoon to drop the basket off for you?” There was silence on the other end of the phone, and then I heard Carrie begin to cry.

I sought to console her, and after a few minutes, she pulled herself together, thanked me, and said she’d love for me to stop by. An hour later I stopped by her apartment. I presented her the basket, gave her a hug, and told her once again that my visit was a small reminder of God’s continued love for her. She said, “Can I tell you why I was crying when you called earlier?” She had a piece of paper in her hand. She said, “I was so discouraged this morning I could not even bring myself to go to church. I watched the service online today. As the service was ending I wrote this prayer,

Where and why? These are my questions. I looked around and see the ugly afteraffects of what God has given us. I am not blaming God, but I am asking, Where are you? I need you! I need help! And no matter how hard I try, I am not getting better. I say your will be done, but it is so hard. I’m not Jesus. I am so weak. I need a break. I need love, I need you Lord. Please, wrap your arms around me and give me your peace. Give me your strength, give me your hope. Let me want to believe and not fear.

She continued, “I had just finished writing this prayer asking for God to show me he still loved me and to wrap his arms around me when the phone rang. I was astounded when I heard your voice on the other end of the line! And then, the first words out of your mouth were ‘I’m calling to bring a gift from the church – a sign that God loves you and has not forgotten you.’ I was speechless; I have never had a prayer answered so quickly before.” I did not know I was answering her prayer. I was just dropping off a Christmas basket. But God had something more in mind.

I had the opportunity to be a messenger of God, Carrie found strength and encouragement, and I was blessed. We can’t always see God’s mysterious ways of working. We can’t always see what God is up to or how many people God prompts before finally someone says yes. But I believe God is constantly working like this. The task for us is to make ourselves available to God each day and to pay attention. By doing this we become the hands and voice of God for others and in this way God answers prayer and works in our world.

To: Whoever may be reading this,
Perhaps me re-posting this excerpt after it touched me is God’s way of using me to tell you that God has not forotten you and that He loves you very much. “Never will I leave u; never will I forsake u.”

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14 Ways to know if you’re Broken

1. You realize that you can feel all the emotional statuses appearing on your Facebook feed.
2. You realize you can zone out for extended periods without any recollection of what you did, how you got to somewhere, why were doing something, et cetera.
3. You have compulsive behavior over things you know don’t make a difference to the issue.
4. You need to control the verge of tearing the minute you are alone. e.g. In the washroom’s cubicle.
5. You have to fight back tearing at your colleague’s personal life sharing.
6. You can tremble your lips within 10 seconds, well your eyes within 20, and switch from all smiles to a face full of tears within 30.
7. You cry uncontrollably to Wedding proposal videos on YouTube.
8. You cry to memories half a year old.
9. You cry to imaginary scenarios you create.
10. You cry to anything and everything remotely touching.
11. You cry during Worship sessions at church.
12. You cry without realizing that you are.
13. You tell everyone that you’re alright but you know deep down that you are capable of swinging back to the lowest point at the snap of a finger.
14. You managed to say yes to all the above within the last 2 weeks.

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God works in mysterious ways

“God works in mysterious ways when you allow Him into our lives. Earlier today I was pummeled by terrible bolts of mood-swings, those sudden moments where all one’s worst recollections congregate in an unannounced cacophony. Perhaps, it’s not something that an uninitiated could readily empathize. To prune, imagine depression in intermittent espresso shots. Just when I felt that it was going to be another dingy day, God squeezed a beaming smile from within me. I was dragging my disparaged spirit back towards office after lunch when I noticed a pram’d Caucasian boy of three thereabouts setting his eyes intently on me. The instant I drew up alongside him, he let out the cutest chuckle ever while waving his bitty hands up at me! His eyes lit up, resembling sparkles on a new year’s eve night. It was like he knew me. It was like God smiling at me through this little darling, reassuring me that He’s got me and everything is alright. I smiled wholeheartedly.” ~ Esmond Ng 11/01/12

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The Rainbow Forest

“The Rainbow Forest” by Esmond Ng 01/01/12 © Copyright

So I’ve been told, a forest of Rainbows.
One of which to canter through, outstretched,
My arms would I its colored branches catch?
And perhaps its palette tinct would all my lows.
Or would I choose instead to amble,
Perceive each seven as if deliberate in order?
Feel every warmth of every hue with my eyes shut gently,
My head slowly, circularly rolls, onto my back, resting.
I may not know where I at within,
This forest but would I care at all this place in, better.
For I can smile at here the indelible memories,
Perchance its cast of blushes would in future bring me more.

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Make the next happen

So many are trending about bye bye horrible 2011, i’ll make things right etc. come 2012. Oh common, wake up already people! Everyday is a new day, just as precious as the last and the next. It’s called “Today”. Do something with it. Peace.

“You can’t change things; you make the next happen.”
~ © Esmond Ng 27/12/11

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Thinking of You

“In-between those hustles in Life, I sometimes afford a snap of idle rumination, where things around me would slow, gradually, to a crawl, and just before anchoring to that irreversible still, I see. I see clearly what has passed, as if it were flashing in front of the now moored inactivity. Not I one who perfect-bethinks of my battered past, but more of an inability to remove myself from my aggrieved. When only in such allayed mood would I lose control and regret that breather of initially. What have I done or did not possibly? That time actually kills me, ironically, muffled from its chase, however impossible by this inasmuch logic. It is in such that while quietly wasting away, I think of you. That my disconnecting moments, they belong to you. And I realize, not least bewildered, that it is all I do these days. Then I wait. I wait for time to flinch again.”
~ © Esmond Ng 22/12/11

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Merry Christmas

“Merry Christmas” by Esmond Ng 15/12/11 © Copyright

It’s been an awful long time since last engaged we,
But that doesn’t mean our friendship to any less.
Still remember I thee as that lovely girl I first eyed,
Oh what joy, youthful infatuations from my past.

Thank you for creating that pivotal point in my Life,
And a juncture that I visit every now every then.
Say so today as I would have back then,
Ay, thy cherry lips and skin fair as palely ice.

Nae man can tether time or tide,
All’s gone are but memories which I treasure hold tight.
Irrevocably, my days more colored for met I you,
So fate and fortune decreed I met thee in my time.

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